I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
