I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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