u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
