A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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