Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
