If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
