hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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