Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
