I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
