I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
