I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
