the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
