Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
