She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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