My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
