Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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