I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
