didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
