He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
