Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
