hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
