I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
