I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
