Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
