I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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