Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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