Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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