Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
