Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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