Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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