with your own penis?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
