Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
