I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The feeling are messing with the penis
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize