She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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