Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
