I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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