You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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