no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
