Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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