I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He passed out mid-signature
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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