I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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