Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
