I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
