Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
