the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i would punch a child for taco bell
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
