How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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