I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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