just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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