That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
