Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
