dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize