He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
