I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
