what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
