New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
