We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
