Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
