I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize