did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
