Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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