Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Life is so much better after having sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
