The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
